ISO: Halloween recipes that don't induce vomiting

I love Halloween. I hate Googling for Halloween recipes.

To everyone out there who posts Halloween recipes: Please put your vomit-inducing recipes on a separate page AWAY from the recipes for roasted pumpkin seed and caramel apples. I am getting so tired of searching for innocent recipes and instead stumbling upon these appetizing selections:

*** Please do not read if you've recently had a meal or plan to within the next hour. ***

"Bloody Popcorn"
"Kitty Litter Cake"
"Brains and Eyeballs"
And perhaps the all-time worst: "Hair Salad with Saliva Dressing"

I am not 11. I do not think that gross is cool. I do not want to consume food that may taste fabulous but looks like roadkill, bodily waste or a serious industrial accident. I do not want scary bits floating in my beverage. I do not want to consume things that remind me of sinusitis.

I was at a Halloween party years ago at the home of this artsy-tartsy couple of university professors. The house was way out in the hinterland, which just gave you this heightened sense of foreboding. (Oh, so this is where they hide the bodies?) The decorations were fabulous in a house that already had this quirky Dali-esque spookiness about it. (The kitchen was decorated RED and BLACK.) The appetizers were delicious and the beverages were flowing.

I was having a grand old time swanning about in my Bollywood princess outfit when some knucklehead guest brings out the kitty litter cake. In a real kitty litter box with a scoop.

Although my rational forebrain knew I was looking at rolled oats dotted with some kind of fig paste, my reptilian brain was screaming, "DO NOT EAT POOP! DANGER! DANGER! DO NOT EAT POOP! POOP BAD! POOP BAD!"

I could feel the bile rising in the back of my throat. I wanted to punch the guy.

So, all you recipe posters: No gross stuff where I can easily find it. Thank you.

And now I'm appalled by Fox News' commercials, too

I am, admittedly, tuning in to Fox News via XM Radio to catch up on the horrible bridge collapse in Minnesota. Call me a rubbernecker.

I'm glad that my handy-dandy pink Pioneer Inno displays the name of the programming, including when the program switches to commercials. I can mute it when they're yammering about ordering Viagra and Cialis online.

Sheesh. It's like listening to spam.

I want my pink back

Eve Ensler and fellow Code Pinkers protested this weekend against the war and the "surge," which Ensler likened to something that ... ahem ... happens to teenage boys in the middle of the night. She invoked images of things "swelling" and "rising" and "lasting just a minute."

OKAY, Eve, we get the picture.

Ensler has managed to completely invert the ideals of the women's movement. I thought women struggled to be recognized for their brains. You know, we're substantive, thoughtful, more than just the sum of our womanly parts.

Now, Ensler and the other Pinkers flounce around in ridiculous outfits, screeching, snickering about genitalia, and holding signs with insightful commentary such as "Augmentation is for Boobs."

And for Pete's sake, enough with the pink. Pink is a perfectly wonderful color, and I want it back.

I hope she can get the deposit on the caterer back

Here's someone who's having a bad day: You're a judge in Memphis, and you discover that not only has your fiancé had sex with another woman, he is in jail because he paid said woman to have sex with her 8-year-old daughter.

Fiance of Memphis Judge Accused of Paying Woman for Sex With 8-Year-Old Daughter (Fox News)

If I were that woman, I don't know what I'd do, but I can think of a few possibilities ... Epilady his entire body followed by a nice sea salt scrub comes to mind.

Yuck.

Comedy -- Persian style

Is anyone really surprised that I'madinnerjacket has stinky pits?

A glimpse behind the scenes at Chez GGB

The scene: "R" and the GGB at the GGB's home watching Fox News' coverage of the SOTU and the Democrat response by Virginia Gov. Tim Kaine (D).

















Brit Hume: "And now we go live to the governor's mansion in Richmond, Virginia."

R: "I've been right on those steps." (R is a former resident of Virginia.)

GGB: "Oooh, a fireplace. Looks like he's going to read us a bedtime story."

Kaine: "Hi, I'm Tim Kaine, governor of the Commonwealth of Virginia. And there is a better way."

R: "What is up with this guy's eyebrow?"

GGB: "The government's going to take care of you, we're going to pay for everything, blah dee blah blah blah."

Kaine: "There is a better way."

R: "Creepy, creepy."

GGB: "I feel like I'm watching an informercial. Like he's going to sell us power tools. No, he's not (grunting sound) enough to sell us power tools."

R: "Maybe kitchen appliances."

Kaine: "There is a better way."

GGB: "You didn't vote for this guy, did you?"

R: (looking absolutely horrified) "Hell no!"

Kaine: "Thereisabetterwaythereisabetterywaythereisabetterway. God bless America."

Brit Hume: "Let's go now to our panel and discuss how they go about choosing someone to offer the Democratic response and why they would pick such a person. Mort?"

GGB: "Want another beer?"

R: "Absolutely."

UPDATE: Something else had been bothering me about Kaine, and I finally figured it out. He eerily reminds me of "Larry," a guy I went out with about a year ago who (1) was on lithium, (2) couldn't take no for an answer (especially when I objected to being clumsily felt up on our third date), and (3) HAS THE SAME EYEBROW WEIRDNESS.

Eeewww. Icky.